Okay, so these days are getting harder and easier, all at once!
The first thing that was difficult for me to accept was that I needed to heal. To that end, I’ve done some healing sessions for myself about loneliness. I've realised that even when I was married and theoretically less alone, I had a terrible habit of numbing in the form of watching far too much television and eating too much. What I've realised is that having someone in the room with me just isn’t enough.
What I'm aching for is a deep soul connection. To be heard and seen for who I am. I've done some inner child work and some lifeline sessions in the past two days to process this. For those of you who don't know lifeline - its an amazing technique that can help shift very deep subconscious sabotaging that goes on and bring us to a higher and more aligned vibration. These practices have helped me to realise that while I don't have my soul partner, yet, I am connected to the feelings and emotions of being in a meaningful relationship. And it makes me so excited for the future.
So how am I connected to those emotions if I haven't found “him”? Well, I've had an amazing past few years, where, through personal challenge and growth, I have connected with the most loving, amazing, thoughtful and supportive friends I could ever hope for. These people have shown me what it's like to have a real, deep soul connection with someone where you can be genuinely seen and heard. And I haven't had to apologize for being myself.
We are truly connected on a soul level, and they know that they can come to me about anything and vice versa. I also know that if I was in a relationship, there is a very good chance I wouldn't have developed these friendships. And it gives me hope, that now that I have experienced what it really feels like to have this type connection with people, that I will also attract that in a partner.
In addition to all of the meditation classes and work I do connecting to higher self, I feel that for the first time, I have started to see and hear myself! I don’t do it all the time yet, but certainly a lot more than ever before. So between the two I realise, even in the space of writing this blog, that I already have what I'm looking for! And also some awareness now (thanks universe) for why I've been single for such a long time.
I've also realised that connection is a major part of what keeps me happy and as an extrovert I love having people around me. So the solution? Try and do more things with other people. Exercise, sewing, cups of tea. Anyone free Mondays???
Whoa. Pretty deep for someone who has just stopped watching TV for a week. As my friend said when she stopped numbing; the depth of awareness and shift in perspective for her was massive. So I guess I should have been prepared for this too. I think the challenging thing moving forward, will be to make these changes permanent. Old habits die hard, as they say, so as exciting as these revelations are, I still have a mountain to climb.
And I can see already it’s going to be really hard. Even as I was writing the last blog I realised I'd been sitting with my sick child on top of me for two hours, feeling exceptionally thirsty and desperately wanting a relaxing bath! I had done neither, just "waiting" for the right time to go and do both. Then I realised, the challenge was, to listen all the time and not when I think the time is right or better. So I put her down, had a long cool drink of water and then, I had that bath! It actually made a massive difference! To my mood, how I felt about myself, and also about how I felt about looking after my daughter.
I know there are some people out there who think that is an incredibly selfish way to be. But let me say this. In the last two days I've been more patient, kind, loving and happy with my children than I have for a very long time. I've got more time for them, more energy for them and more ability to listen to what they have to say. And I am not pretending to be patient. I actually have been. I haven't been thinking about the other things I have to get done, or what I'm not doing for myself, because I've already done that.
Putting yourself first doesn't mean that no one gets a look in. For me its the difference between being showered and sated before I read my children a bedtime story. Or getting their help to put their things away so I can wash up instead of doing everything. Or actually stepping outside and having a few deep breaths of fresh air rather than sweeping the floor. All the other stuff can wait. Our happiness can't. If we can teach our children how to hold strong boundaries and put ourselves first with self-love and connection, what a great gift we are giving them.
It's a work in progress, but I feel like I'm onto something here...